Never Was
by Cold Drake Queen
Summary: Squall needs to talk to Rinoa about something.


Disclaimer: I am working on owning Final Fantasy, but sadly at this time I do not, it still belongs to Square Enix. -whimpers- I want my Lion. … Oh, and I don't own the lyrics to Everybody's Fool. They belong to Amy Lee, David Hodges and Ben Moody, who wrote the song, and Evanescence who performs it.

Warnings: Really no warnings, unless you want me to warn you about Rinoa bashing. If you do, then so be warned.

Author's Idiocy: So I was listening to music at 5am because I couldn't sleep and it just came to me. I can't control these things. I just wish I could sleep in. Oh well enjoy my early morning.

O.0.o.0.o.0.O

"Rinoa can you come into the living room for a minute? We need to talk." Squall sat down on the couch staring at the beer in his hand. He had never been one for drinking, but he figured he needed it now. It was in the fridge for when Irvine visits and it was just too tempting to try, just to see if the numbing effects were true. On his first sip he decided that the flavour wasn't too bad, it wasn't good either. And the warmth it spread through his veins was a bonus. He had yet to drink enough to drown the feelings that seemed to be growing inside.

Those feeling scared him. He had lived most of his life without feelings. Numbed to everything around him. People called him cold, but he just couldn't feel.

And then 6 months ago while he was saving the world he thought he had felt love. And he clung to it with everything he could. And to him the world was perfect, to his friends the world was perfect, but something was wrong.

_Perfect by nature_

_Icons of self-indulgence_

_Just what we all need_

_More lies about a world that_

Not that anybody ever saw the wrong. That would have been admitting that he was not perfect. The perfect commander, the perfect boyfriend, the perfect knight, the perfect man, everything was fake.

Sure he might have come close to being perfect. He certainly was the best Gunblader in the world. And he was healthy in every way a doctor could test for. He just wasn't completely perfect.

And they couldn't have that. They all depended on him. If he wasn't perfect what would happen to the perfect world? Would the world fall to another sorceress? Maybe, maybe not. It was all in how he told everybody that he wasn't perfect. How he told everybody that they were living a lie.

_Never was and never will be_

_Have you no shame? Don't you see me?_

_You know you've got everybody fooled_

He just didn't think that they saw him for himself anymore. He wasn't Squall Leonhart anymore; he was Commander of Balamb Garden, strongest of them all, he was the Lion of Balamb, deadly in purpose; he was Squally-Poo, boyfriend and best friend.

When did he become these people he was not?

He was just Squall, a sudden and violent storm that came and went, not caring what it did as it passed.

They had labelled him with things that he did not need or want. And worst of all they never asked his permission to call him any of it. It was all just given to him with fake smile and the understanding that he would smile and thank them for it.

_Look here she comes now_

_Bow down and stare in wonder_

_Oh how we love you_

_No flaws when you're pretending_

"Be right there Squally-Poo!" Rinoa's voice called from the laundry room. Squall visibly winced at the nickname and took a large swallow of the beer in his hand.

And true to her word she was walking down the hallway toward him.

They weren't even married yet and she was already a perfect housewife. She cleaned and cooked like there was nothing else to do in the world. Not that she could cook. He missed his own cooking. It was much more palatable, less spices and more flavour. But that still didn't stop her from trying to be perfect.

And she expected everybody around her to be just as perfect as she is. She's even gotten Zell to stop eating hotdogs; he now eats grilled chicken salads. She's gotten Irvine to stop hitting on anything that moves. Not that Selphie minded much; I think Selphie loved to beat Irvine up for his roaming eye. So in one fell swoop she cured Selphie as well. And she's made Quistis more humble. If someone had told me that a year ago I would have laughed in his or her face.

And everybody loves her for the changes in their lives. But they don't see the flaws that she herself holds. Flaws that she denies and hides behind a mask. She tries so hard to hide them, but Squall can see them.

_But now I know_

_She_

He can see them clear as day: the way she gets mad whenever she has to clean up after him, the way that the anger bubbles up when he only eats one bite of her cooking, the jealousy she emits in waves whenever he works with Quistis, the swell of loneliness and hurt when he denies his bed to her.

He can see it even know in how she sits on the couch. Like he was interrupting something so important that the world was going to end if she didn't get back to do it.

_Never was and never will be_

_You don't know how you've betrayed me_

_And somehow you've got everybody fooled_

"Rinoa," He started, grabbing her hand to offer her something to ground herself with. "I need to leave."

"How long will the mission be?" She asked. It was almost too hard to believe how much she didn't know about the real world. How much she lived in her own perfect fantasy world.

And she didn't realize just how hard it was for Squall to break through that ignorance. How much even the few words he had said cut him to the bone. He was betraying everybody for something that never really was.

_Without the mask_

_Where will you hide?_

_Can't find yourself_

_Lost in your lie_

"I'm not coming back." He put her hand down and let the bang fall over his face. Letting in one emotion was the crack in his soul that let the others bleed in. and they all seemed to want to burst forth from his eyes. They burned with the unreleased emotion.

"What do you mean?" Fear flashed through her eyes. "If you think this mission is so dangerous you will die, don't go. Send somebody else."

"Rinoa, there is no mission. I won't live this lie anymore. I have handed in my letter of resignation. I'm leaving everything."

"Tell me who she is." So Rinoa wasn't as ignorant as we all think. She could see something was pulling her Squally-Poo away from her, and she didn't like it. "Squall I demand you tell me her name."

"There is no other woman."

"A man then?" Rinoa stood up and slowly backed away from Squall. Her voice rising as she continued. "You are gay and you pick NOW to tell me?"

"I'm not gay either."

_I know the truth now_

_I know who you are_

_And I don't love you anymore_

Squall could see her losing control on herself. He needed to calm her down, and quickly. He could see the powers locked within breaking free of the bonds he had placed on her.

The world thought she was a good sorceress, but he knew differently. He, as her knight, had locked away anything that might have been dangerous. And now that she was losing him those bonds were breaking one by one.

But for some reason he just couldn't care.

"Rinoa, I can't be your knight. Seifer is still around; he'll be a better knight and husband then me. I just don't love you."

_It never was and never will be_

_You don't know how you've betrayed me_

_And somehow you've got everybody fooled_

And the last of the ties holding her power broke. Squall could feel the strength of it push at him. But she didn't know how to use it, she had never used it, never knew it existed. So she slapped him. Hard.

_It never was and never will be_

_You're not real and you can't save me_

_Somehow now you're everybody's fool_

"Bastard!"

Squall stood straight looking past everything, the ice fields that had melted once more coming back to cover everything. Thin at first, easily broken, but building as the seconds ticked by. His life turning cold, dieing under the pure chill of everything, memories and feelings froze solid, no longer flowing.

This was who he was, and who he would be again. He never was those things that they called him, and he knew that he would never let a soul melt that ice ever again.

"Good bye."


End file.
